Poker panties
After one week of having a daughter, I've quickly realized the real reason parents give their children nicknames like Stinker, Lil' Toot, and Squirt.
Trust me, folks, I've called Abby all three. And for good reason.
The other night - during one of my sleepless stupors - I started thinking about Abby's diapers in poker terms. I gotta admit, I'll never look at a hand of cards the same way!!
The Blind: In cards, this is a forced bet that helps to start the pot. In newborns, this is a silent toot that gently works its way out of the swaddling blanket and performs a sneak attack on Daddy's nostrils. Normally followed by, "Wow! Where did that come from?!" As the wife would say, "Major disgust."
All In: In cards, it's the act of pushing all your chips into the pot. During diaper changing, this is the moment you unlatch the velcro strips and begin to assess the damage. In both cases, there is no turning back!
Full House: Poker players know this as three cards of one kind plus a pair of another kind. New parents use this term when the baby poops so much that an abundance of baby brownie mix can be seen testing the elastic bands on each side of the diaper. Not sure when those elastic bands came into play, but good call on that one Mr. Huggies, Pete Pampers or whoever you are.
The River: For card players, this is the final card to be turned over. At our changing table, however, this is what happens when the diaper is removed and a cool breeze hits little Abby between the legs. And I thought the 'P.P. TeePee' was only for boys! "Honey, did we register for goggles?"
Side Pot: In cards, this is a side bet created when one player goes 'all in' and doesn't have the money to continue betting with others. Chips from the other players are then pooled together in a separate pot to the side of the main pot. At our house, this is when the wife changes a diaper and leaves all the remnants at the end of the changing table, rather than tossing them in the diaper disposal. It definitely adds to the excitement when Daddy goes to change a diaper and has to navigate around a side pot.
Four of a Kind: A great hand for poker players, and rare too. For new parents, however, this refers to a baby with loose bowels who poops four times during one diaper change. That's right. The other night our little princess muddied up four diapers in one sitting (and yes, I left out the 'h' on purpose!). Every time we placed a clean one under her bottom, she had a release party for another of her greatest hits!
Royal Flush: This is the highest ranking hand in poker, an ace-high straight flush. It's also the number one goal for Daddy now that he's a week into this diaper changing thing. I can't wait until little Abby is big enough to use the toilet for the first time... Now that will be a Royal Flush!
posted by Stan W @ 11:30 AM
5 Comments:
Fold is when you just throw your hands up in the air, gag at the mouth and walk out of the room to make Mommy change her!
Well played. Touche', indeed.
well...at least you have something to look forward to, Stan. I was never so entertained...wish Abby had come before Jessica and Jill, then I could have read your blog and been duly entertained at each diaper change.
I've always said you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and (my favorite) know when to run!
Okay, after we got done laughing at Jill's blog, Rick and I came over to yours and cracked up all over again. Rick just told me he has nearly left me several side pots ... I'm gonna get you if you gave him that idea for the future!
I had no idea diaper changing was so dangerous with little girls, too. I totally know the meaning of "all in" - you gotta take a deep breath and focus before undoing that velcro!
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